Uncle Lantis's Family Fun Hour!
by Sailor Ghost
Summary: The always deadpan and languid Lantis gets dragged into hosting a children's show! The *entire* cast of Rayearth (well sans one or two) stars and includes a cameo by Geo's not-so-evil fraternal twin ^~ R&R would be greaty appreciated!!! ^_^


Uncle Lantis's Family Fun Hour

**Uncle Lantis's Family Fun Hour**

** **

**Primera the announcer:** HI EVERYBODEEE!! Welcome to Uncle Lantis's Family Fun Hour!!!!!!!!!! The funnest hour of fun for the whole family!! Lantis is soooo hot!!!! He's such a man!!! Oh, cut the vapors!! Cut the vapors!!! (_faints in the announcer booth_)

**::a tall, dark, and handsome figure trudges onto the stage, obviously wanting to be anywhere but here::**

** **

**Lantis:** (_deadpan as always_) Hi...kids...(_no answer_) Uhhh...kids? 

**Aska:** (_in the audience_) THIS IS ALMOST AS BAD AS THE TIME I HAD TO TUBE FEED CHANG ANG!!!

**San Yun:** But Miss Aska, you wanted to come here. 

**Zazu and Ascot:** We're not kids!! 

**Zazu:** Yah, why did we get dragged here?? 

**Caldina:** You kids shut your mouths!! You loved this show when you were younger, Ascot!! 

**Ascot:** That was 7 years ago! 

**Zazu:** Heh heh heh. (_whips out a paper bag with some tequila inside_) Well *I* have some quality entertainment with me!!

**Lafarga:** (_holds up a badge_) Security, sir. I'm afraid that's contraband on these premises. (_confiscates Zazu's booze_)

**Zazu:** That's it. I'm leavin'. C'mon, Ascot! 

**Lafarga:** I'm afraid you can't leave, sir. (_The audience sighs in anger_) 

**::cut back to the......"activity".....on stage::**

** **

**Lantis:** Well...kids....we...have a great show for you today.....maybe...

**Hikaru:** (_runs on stage dressed like a monkey_) Hi everybodeeeee!!!!! It's me!! Hikaru the Magic Monkey!!! 

**Zazu:** I'd boo if she weren't so hot!! (_catcalls, causing Hikaru the Magic Monkey to blush_) Whaddya think, Ascot??

**Ascot:** (_blushes_) I prefer blue hair...

**ViridianCat:** NO YOU DON'T!! 

**Ascot:** (_winces_) Please...don't hurt me...I....like you more!!

**ViridianCat:** You'd better!! (_grins and flashes V sign_) I'm the producer!

**Lantis:** So...Hikaru...the Magic...Monkey? Do you....have any...magic?

**Hikaru:** HAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIII!!!!!! (_pulls Mokona out of a hat_) IT'S MAAAAAAAAAGIIIIIIC!!!!!!! 

**Aska:** BOOOOOO!!!!!

**Caldina:** That was impressive, right Ascot?

**Ascot:** Um.....it's so.....generic....

**Caldina:** I PAID $50 FOR THESE TICKETS YOU HAD BETTER ENJOY YOURSELF!!!!

**Hikaru:** Ummm....(_pulls Mokona out of Lantis's ear_) 

**Mokona:** Puuu puuuu!!! 

**Audience:** Booooooriiiiing!!!

**Zazu:** Take it all off!!!

**Lantis:** Calm down...minna...(_everyone calms down because they know he's got a sword_) Um...cut to a cartoon...I need a Tylenol...

**::cut to cartoon thats so cheaply animated and pointless it makes _Dragonball Z_ look like the _Ah! My Goddess!_ movie::**

**Tatra:** Would you like some tea, Ne-san?

**Tarta:** No, I would rather work on this hook rug.

**Tatra:** Why, dear sister, that's not like you. Normally you would like to sword fight!

**Tarta:** Well, violence is bad! 

**Tatra:** That's right kids! Violence is bad! And drugs are worse!

**Tarta:** I would never take drugs! 

**Tatra:** And the moral of this story is...

**Both:** STAY IN SCHOOL!!! (_both wave buh-bye_)

**::end cartoon...the audience and Lantis and Hikaru and everyone else stare silent::**

**Zazu:** The only redeeming value in that schlock was that the chicks were scantily clad! Woo!!

**Aska:** That sucked!! SAN YUN!! Paper and brush!!!

**San Yun:** Yes, ma'am! (_tries to give her a brush and paper, but its intercepted by Lafarga_)

**Lafarga:** Sorry, paper and brushes are contraband. (_confiscates the paper and brush_)

** **

**::cut back ot the stage...where the real action...isn't...::**

**Lantis:** My...that was....retarded......

**Clef:** Psst! Read the cue card, man!

**Lantis:** (_sigh_) My, kiddies...that...was...fun...........

**Audience:** NOT!!! (_throw plug and gear at Lantis_)

**Lantis:** Um...I have...another....um...treat....(_doorbell FX_) Oh my...someone's at...the door....(_opens the door on the set, and Eagle pops out of the door_) Oh, boy...it's...Mailman Eagle...

**Mailman Eagle:** Hiyas, Uncle Lantis-chan ^_^!!!!!!!!!!

**Lantis:** Don't call me that. (_Clef torches the cue cards...no ones using them anyways_)

**Mailman Eagle:** Oh...ummm...OK...

**Lantis:** I bet I have mail, don't I?

**Mailman Eagle:** YUPPERS!! ^_^ (_hands Lantis a bunch of envelopes_)

**Lantis:** Bills...bills...I may have already ten million dollars....ha I wish...

**Mailman Eagle:** Golly, what if you did win a million dollars, Uncle Lantis??? ^_^

**Lantis:** I wouldn't be doing this show I can tell ya that.....Tell me do I have any redeeming mail in here. 

**Mailman Eagle:** Well...no....mail's been slow since the disgruntled ice mistress maillady Alcyone went postal after postmaster Zagato ran off with his secretary Emeraude......

**Lantis:** (_stares bug eyed_) Get offa my set. (_shoves Mailman Eagle out the door_) Mailman Eagle, everyone. 

**Aska:** Oh, man!! Why'd ya get rid of him!!! He was the only interesting guy so far!!!!

**San Yun:** Miss Aska, please keep your voice down...

**Zazu:** (_head in hands_) Poor Eagle....

** **

**Lantis:** Well...ummm..I have another...special treat....(_sirens_) OH KAMI-SAMA WHAT NOW???!!!

**Primera the announcer:** Uh-oh Lantis-sama!! you know what that siren means, right??

**Lantis:** My shift is over?? 

**Primera the announcer:** NO, SILLY!! IT'S TIME FOR....FUU'S CLUES!!!!! 

**Lantis:** (_head in hands_) Oh, God no...

**Primera:** Does anyone here know what Fuu wants to do?? 

**Caldina:** FERIO!!!

**Lantis:** Caldina...this is a kiddie show.......

**Ferio:** (_runs on stage dressed like Steve from Blue's Clues and about as enthusiastic as a lost Navy pilot flying over the Bermuda triangle_) HiandwelcometothisportionofthishowcalledFuusClues. ImFerio. Letsjustgetthisoverwith...Fuu...

**Fuu:** (_walks on stage dressed like Blue...only she's green_) I'm ready, Ferio-san! I have placed three green pawprints on three objects pertaining to that which I would like to do. 

**Mokona:** (_bounds in with a green paw print plastered on him. everyone remains silent_) PUU PUUUU!!!!! PUUUPUUPUUPUU!!!! 

**Ascot:** I don't get it...if she can talk, why does she have to do this? Can't she just say what she wants to do?

**Caldina:** Oh, just play along! Hey, Ferio-honey!! There's a clue right there on that marshmallow thing!!! 

**Ferio:** (_picks up Mokona_) Oh, boy...there's one clue right here...geez...

**Presea:** (_walks in with a clue on her forehead and carrying a baseball with a clue on it_) Hi, everyone!! (_the crowd reamains silent_) 

**Ascot:** Shouldn't we go looking for the clues instead of the clues finding us? 

**Caldina:** Quit your complaining, Ascot! Ferio-honey!! There's a clue on Presea's forehead and that baseball!!! 

**Ferio:** Good job...I guess....Well...can anyone guess what Fuu wants to do?

**Caldina:** FERIO!!! (_Lafarga the security man duck tapes his beloved's mouth shut_) 

**Zazu:** She wants to shove the baseball down the marshmallow thing's gullet, cook it, and serve it too the orange-haired babe!!!

**Fuu:** That is incorrect, Zazu-san. I do not wish to cook Sir Mokona.

**Zazu:** Why? I would. (_Emeril voice_) MOKONA FAT RULEZ!!!! Just put some GAH-LICK on it...(_audience cheers_)

**Ascot:** I think she wants to knock Presea out with the baseball and take Mokona for a walk.

**Aska:** NOOOOOO!!!! THAT'S NOT IT!!!!! Fuu wants to have tea with Mokona and Presea and serve it in the baseball!!!

**Lantis:** You stupid kids!!! Can't you get anything right??? (_audience stares_) I mean.....Fuu which one of these.....(_grits teeth_) little...angels....got the correct answer?

**Fuu:** They were all incorrect. I wanted to play baseball with Miss Presea and Sir Mokona.

**Ferio:** There ya have it. 

**Aska:** THAT WAS STUPID!!!!! _I_ GOT IT RIGHT!!!!

**Zazu:** NO YOU DIDN'T I DID!!!! (_mass chaos ensues_)

**::after these messages, we'll be right back...::**

**Red Djinn:** Hi! I'm Red Djinn! 

**Blue Djinn:** And I'm Blue Djinn!

**Both:** And we want to pump! YOU UP!! 

**Red Djinn:** At Djinn's Gym...30th block on the Chizetan Turnpike.

**Blue Djinn:** Just sign up with our one year membership!! We guarentee results in a month or your money back! Just ask one of our satisfied customers...

**Gateau Mocha:** .....?????.....I've...er...never been here before....but LOOKIT MEEEEE!!! (_rips off his shirt_ _and does what makes Gateau Gateau! And for those of you heathens who don't watch Sorcerer Hunters...that would be flexing._) I'm so hot!!! Marron doesn't know what he's missing!! (_continues to flex_)

**Red Djinn:** And there you have it....another satisfied customer!

**Gateau:** But I've never been to your gym! I've always used the Nordictrack at the Stellar Church! 

**Blue Djinn:** Read the cue cards, you moron!!! 

**Gateau:** I'M NOT A MORON, YOU PANTYWAIST!!!

**Blue Djinn:** OOOOOOO I'm angry now!!!

**::screen goes black::**

**::and now back to our program::**

**Zazu:** The commercials are more entertaining than the show. 

**Lantis:** (_puts out his cigarette_) Well....um...before we go...I have a...special treat...*cough* very special...*cough* and that would be...

**Umi:** (_runs on stage dressed in a blue flamanco dress_) It's time for Cooking with Clef 'N' Umi!!! 

**Lantis:** So...ummm...why are you wearing a Flamenco dress...?

**Umi:** We're cooking Spanish food and teaching everyone how to tango!!! AAAAIIIIYAAAAAYAAAAYAAAAA!!!!! (_breaks out some castenets_) 

**Clef:** Hello, everyone!! (_walks out wearing a mariachi outfit and has a rose in his teeth_)

**Umi:** Shall we dance?? (_Umi and Clef tango across the stage. Lantis grabs Zazu's confiscated tequila and helps himself_) 

**Zazu:** BOOOOOOORIIIING!!! Bring on the magic monkey!! She's hot!!!

**Umi:** Listen, buddy, if you can't stand a little culture, get out of the studio! 

**Zazu:** I just might!! Nyah! 

**Umi:** Why you little....

**Clef:** Ok, kids! We're going to learn how to make peanut butter & jelly!

**Umi:** I thought we were going to make Spanish food!!! 

**Clef:** (_sweatdrop_) well...errr...my griffon thingey ate all the ingredients....

**Lantis:** *whew* That's OK....we don't...have...any cooking stuff...anyways...Clef 'N' Umi everyone...

**Umi:** Whaaaaaaa......??? WE'RE NOT DONE YET!!! 

**Lantis:** Oh yes you are....(_shoves them off the set_) Well, thank God! We have one more special treat for you...ummm....I guess...it's....(_chokes_) Sing A Long time with Geo Metro..........God help me.....

** **

**::cut to Geo-sama, dressed in veeeery baggy jeans and lots of Mr. T-type metals. Oh, yeah, because of my infallible addiction to all things Geo-sama....he's got no shirt on::**

**Geo:** Hi. 

**Zazu:** Hiya, Geo! Got dragged here too?

**Sailor Ghost:** As Geo-sama's personal agent/lawyer/representative/miko/koibito/kikkon/megami - I am forced to say that my client will not be answeringany questions. You may commence.

**Geo:** Thanks, babe. This is a song called "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem! (_begins to sing...the audience's eyes begin to swell to immense porportions_) 

**Aska:** San Yun...what does that word mean??

**San Yun:** I'd rather not say, Miss Aska....

**Geo:** (_keeps singing_) Oh, come on kids! Sing with me!

**Lantis:** WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIT!!!!! Geo you can't sing "The Real Slim Shady" in front of a bunch of kids......thats morally irresponsible.

**Geo:** (_face turning red and beginning to rant in a British accent_) I GAVE UP THE TITLE ROLE IN "HAMLET" WITH THE ROYAL BRITISH THEATRE ONLY TO FIND MYSELF LIMITED IN MYCREATIVE SPHERE!!!! Sailor Ghost! (_snaps fingers_) My contract please!

**Sailor Ghost:** Actually, big guy, your contract limits your creative sphere by a huge margin. I told you that you got a better deal playing Willy in "Death of a Salesman." But they gave that to your not-so-evil fraternal twin, Gateau. I told ya, man. That was a good shot, right there. 

**Geo:** This tripe stinks worse than day old toad-in-the-hole. Sailor Ghost? (_snaps fingers. Sailor Ghost rips up his contract_) C'mon. We'll go get some lattes and look through the latest issue of _Variety_. 

**Lantis:** @.@ That's it. I need a drink. No....I need a cigarette...I need something...

**Tarta & Tatra:** DRUGS ARE BAD!!!

**Lantis:** (_strangles them both_)

**::cut to a posh meeting room in a lavish network studio::**

**ViridianCat:** (_grins sheepishly_) well...as you can see...we're still in the...ummm....fetal stage....

**Debonair:** I've been a network executive for 20 years, and never in my life have I seen something so banal and ridiculous. 

**Nova:** I KNOW WHAT'S IN HIKARU'S HEART!!!! HIKARU HATES THIS SHOW, SO I LOVE IT!!!!!!! MORE MORE MORE!!!!! 

**Innouva:** Well I can't say anything for the casting, but I thought the British guy was quite talented. Haven't I seen him somewhere before?

**ViridianCat:** Well, he was the voice of God in _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_...And he's working on something now called _James Bond_ or something....I dunno.

**Debonair:** I've seen enough. I'm sorry, Miss ViridianCat, but We're going to have to turn your offer down. Innouva, dear daughter Nova - come. (_exeunt_)

**ViridianCat:** NOOOO!!! I POURED MY HEART AND SOUL INTO THIS PROJECT!!!!

**FOX executive:** (_coming out of the woodwork_) Sorry, but I couldn't help but see part of your brilliant children's program while...scrounging for donuts...I'm prepared to offer you a hefty sum if you let us air your program. 

**ViridianCat:** SOLD!! (_grins evilly and shakes the network exec's hand_) Y'know..this is the beginning of a beeeeaaaaaauuutiful friendship! Platonic, of course! (_winks at Ascot_)

**fin**


End file.
